Thoughts on Attachment

Due to the fact that I have many years of experience working with children of all ages, as a speech-language pathologist, I thought that I had my behavior management plan already to go when we had a child of our own. Hmm... looks like I will be putting that program on hold for a little while.

Early on during the home study process, Michael and I quickly learned from our social worker that children who are adopted have an initial and primary need to form attachment with their adoptive parents. So this means learning to be pretty dependent on us, versus soothing/feeding/entertaining themself. Now this is not new information in regards to a newborn... but it also applies to older children.

Here is some information about the subject of attachment, that is was written in a blog that I frequently visit. The author of this blog, http://ethiopia.adoptionblogs.com/, is an adoptive parent of several children who were born in Ethiopia. She wrote:

The typical American viewpoint that an independent kid is a better kid is just plain wrong for newly arrived adopted kids. New children, whether they seek it out or not, need lots of contact with their new parents to maximize bonding. They need attachment parenting.
I am going to focus on four areas: closeness, touch, feeding, and sleeping, and talk about how attachment parenting looks for different ages of children.

CLOSENESS
Staying close to a baby is easy. Get a good baby carrier, like an Ergo or a HugABub, and carry your baby on your hip or in a baby carrier at least an hour each day. For a toddler who weighs more than 25 pounds or so, a frame-style backpack may be most comfortable. You can go for walks,of course. But you can also carry your baby or toddler while you are cooking or shopping or even vacuuming.
Staying close to an older child involves lots of shared activities. Play this-little-piggie or peekaboo. Roll a ball back and forth. Play chase. Make dolls talk to each other. Look at story books together. Build block towers.LAUGH and be silly with your child. Laughter has tremendous healing power. Tickle him, dance with him, be goofy and have fun.
But you don't have to play on the floor all day long. Try bringing your child into your life doing work with you. Have him hold the dustpan while you sweep, peel carrots alongside you, or draw pictures near you while you pay bills.

TOUCH
New kids need lots of physical contact. Many kids enjoy rocking or cuddlng together on the couch for a story. Some babies at first are uncomfortable with close cuddling while rocking. You may have to rock facing outward for a few days. But gradually work towards a face-to-face intimate cuddle. And a bottle or two a day during rocking time is great, even for toddlers.
If older children seem resistant to lots of hugs at first, launch stealth hugs: come up behind the child a bunch of times a day, give a fast, gentle hug, and then back off before the child has time to even pull away. Other casual ways to make contact include shoulder bumps, giving high fives, stroking a shoulder as you walk past, or patting their hair. Speaking of hair, grooming can also be a great time for bonding.

FEEDING
Feeding time is a golden opportunity for bonding with your child. Babies should be fed in your arms, with you holding the bottle. Older babies may be used to holding their own bottles. See if you can gradually get the baby used to you first touching the bottle, then helping them hold the bottle, then taking over holding the bottle for them. This is an issue of trust. Don't make a big battle over it; just gradually get them used to you being involved in the feeding.
Don't be fast to take bottles away from toddlers and even preschoolers. A bottle at bedtime can be a wonderful chance to give a child even as old as 3 or 4 some extra nurturing and cuddling.
All food, not just bottles, can help with bonding. In the first months home, make sure mom and dad are the sole food providers, even for older children. Get the child looking to you for good things. Provide a variety of food at each meal, and try not to make the meal a big battle ground. If your child will let you, feed him small yummy morsels from your hand at mealtime. In Ethiopia, feeding each other choice bites is something Ethiopian diners do, so your child may see this as a nurturing action.

SLEEP
Bedtime is another time to avoid power struggles as much as possible. Many new children are extremely fearful at bedtime for awhile. Don't feel bad about letting your baby fall asleep in your arms, and by all means come to him and respond when he cries in the night.
Let your child sleep in your bed at naptime or bedtime if you are comfortable with it. Some parents lay a big mattress on the floor of the child's room and lie with the child to get him to sleep, sneak off to their own bed once the child is asleep, and return to lie down again with the child if he is fearful during the night. Many parents report 3-6 months of anxiety and restless sleep in the night, and then gradual improvement in sleep in the months after that. Sounds a lot like a newborn, doesn't it? Remember these kids are new to your family. DOn't be afraid to treat them younger than their actual age and meet their needs at night. Once you help them feel secure, they can move on to a more mature developmental stage. But pushing them to act braver than they feel will just prolong the fearful stage.